If you’ve been reading the news lately, you may have heard the story of Bryan Johnson, a tech billionaire who’s been injecting himself with his son’s blood to stay young. He also eats baby food and has a machine that counts his nighttime boners.


Despite this guy being an absolute freak whose experiment has been a failure (seriously, dude looks worse than before he started doing this), he’s somehow managed to secure numerous high-profile pieces in outlets like Bloomberg, the BBC, The Guardian and Fortune.


For the most part, the tone of these articles is not, as it should be, “lol look at this weirdo.” Instead, they strike a confusing “Is this the future of medicine?” angle, not realizing that the average person would not like to, I don’t know, drink their son’s piss to look six months younger. So let’s be clear: Bryan Johnson is a nutcase, and a recent series of tweets from the man himself proves that.



In the first tweet, Johnson shares an infographic he’s made about his penis. According to this infographic, entitled “Bryan Johnson’s Penis Rejuvenation,” he currently only has a “total night time erection” length of 2 hours and 12 minutes. His goal, he says, is three and a half hours, the amount of time he says an 18-year-old boy is erect in their sleep.


Naturally, professionals agree that this is garbage science. But there’s another problem here, too: You, as a 49-year-old adult, should generally not be concerned about the amount of time you spend hard while sleeping. You should also, as someone who is half a century old, not think about how much time an 18-year-old spends erect at night. This is very basic stuff.


But “basic” isn’t in Johnson’s vocabulary, so he, of course, followed up the tweet with an advertisement for his penis-monitoring device. “don’t get caught in an awkward conversation not knowing your nighttime erection avg,” it boasts.



The stupidity of Johnson’s ideas could be repeated ad infinitum, but the main issue is — is this all worth it? If you spend 90 percent of your day doing things to keep you young, what the hell is the point of being young? He’s not even *using* those hefty nighttime boners — he said in a podcast that all of this de-aging stuff has made him hard to date. You don’t say!


If you want to feel young, go to a water park. Get hopped up on Fun Dip. Don’t start injecting yourself with other people’s blood and talking about how you want the rectum of an 18-year-old. And if you really do want those things, for the love of god, keep it to yourself.